Recap of September, October, and November:

Fall Recap:

September

For our 5 year anniversary, Mike and I went to Park City. We had a delicious Italian dinner and then camped out in our car (that turns into a bed) in a camp site by the water. We went out for breakfast and then drove the Alpine loop to admire the beautiful fall colors. Utah is such a gorgeous place especially in the Fall! It's my favorite time of year here.

Mike is great about remembering flowers for special occasions. This one was especially cute, but because he bought a Gerber daisy, which is the first flower he ever gave to me when we were dating. He left it on my car super early in the morning so that I'd see it when I got up at the crack of dawn to drive to Salt Lake for my nursing clinical rotations (during nursing school).

We decided to do a little make over to the backyard. Mike rented this excavator to move the huge rocks that are all over our property. It was a lot of work, but Mike was in heaven on that machine! He loved every minute of it.

Also in September, we said farewell to our oldest nephew, Nate, who left to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Sydney, Australia. He's only been there a couple months and he's having a great time and teaching a lot of people. We love getting his letters.

 

October


Steph came to visit in October and we spray painted pumpkins together. Here's our finish products. So much cuter and funner than carving pumpkins!

This is a picture of Mike and I on Halloween a couple of years ago at a ward party. We forgot to get a picture of ourselves this Halloween, but we wore these same costumes to the Domo (Mike's work) party. Love Mike's wig!

Mimi sent me this cute picture of her boys in a pumpkin patch. They are the cutest things I've ever seen!

Mom and Dad getting in the Halloween spirit back in Redding. Great costume Jules! Haha!

Happy Halloween!

November

We went to visit our friends from the student village up in Salt Lake where we used to live. The Martins' baby was finally home from the hospital and we just couldn't get enough of her. Mike is holding her while she sleeps in this picture and she's resting her little hand on his chest. So precious!

Me and Ella (the Barkers' little girl). We're so blessed to have such great friends that we've stayed close with even after moving away. We love you Mackenzie, Chuck, Emery, Emmy, Aaron, and Ella!

Mike's boss gave us 50 yard line tickets to the BYU game in November. Not only did we have great seats, but there was a dinner provided before the game, snacks in between and free hot chocolate mugs. It was raining/snowing the whole time, but we had so much fun being treated like royalty at a football game. Since I'm no die-hard when it comes to football, this it my kind of way to enjoy it. Awesome!

Went to IKEA with my sister-in-law Janet and saw stuffed veggies instead of stuffed animals in the kids toy section. Sounds like a strategic way to brainwash you kids into eating their veggies. Strange.

 Shout out for Breast Cancer Awareness Month (October). My sister-in-law Janet is a survivor because of all the great technology available today and I'm so grateful for that. Help fight cancer any way you can, cause cancer sucks!

For Thanksgiving, my family (everyone except Mimi's family since they are so far away) came to visit and we all traveled to St George together to spend the weekend at Grandma TuTu's. A bunch of our cousins were there and we all had a crazy fun time together. Thanks grandma for hosting us all!

There were plenty of babies to go around. Here's Mike and Teague with baby Rhea (Summer's daughter).

Little Reggie (David's son) really loved to snuggle with Steph. They have a special bond. So cute.

Steven is really into rock climbing now, and he took all of us to the mountain a couple of times. Some of us were better than others, but we all made it to the top at least once (hardest thing I've ever done!).

He's not as tough as he looks...ok maybe he it, but he's just a big teddy bear to me - love my lil' bro!

This was my favorite activity of the trip. Snuggling a sleeping baby Rhea. We both needed a nap after all the fun we'd been having there. I was also getting over being sick and welcomed the chance to lay down and close my eyes.

It was a great time in the warmer weather down in St. George. We played football on T-day and got to see a lot of cousins that  we hadn't seen in a while. Now, we're back in Lehi and the first big storm has just hit. Snow everywhere! Welcome to winter!

A New Beginning

I haven't posted about infertility in a while because I don't want to bum people out or throw our burdens on others. But I thought maybe sharing my experience and feelings one more time, might just reach someone who needs it. It will also give you family/friends a peek into what we've been going through since I'm not always great at giving details in person and usually try to keep things light. Anyway, here's my journal entry from today:

October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween! Though, Halloween (usually one of my favorite holidays) is not really something I’ve thought much about this year. Today, I’m finally getting around to writing down the end of a chapter in my life. I’ve definitely been writing along the way about the struggles and blessings of our infertility journey, but it feels sad to be writing the last entry on our chain of events, because now I’ll really have to let go…and this is what I’ve been holding on to for years now. It’s liberating and exciting in one way, but also scary and hard in another.

Anyway, to get to the point, Mike and I had been going through the IVF process for a couple months after trying various other treatments and medications and procedures to become pregnant for over 4 years. I went through the necessary treatments, checkups, ultrasounds and medication regimen to prepare my body for a procedure that would get us pregnant finally. We got as far as eggs being retrieved and embryos being made. About a week ago, we went into the fertility clinic for the big day – embryo transfer day, the day of conception. We were both terribly nervous and excited and scared to get our hopes up, but not able to help it. This was the closest we’d ever come to becoming pregnant and it just had to be our day for a miracle. We’d been told that, up until that day, my few eggs that were retrieved and fertilized were doing well. So of course we were hopeful for a pregnancy.

When the doctor walked into the consultation room and we were smiling and talking about finally becoming parents, he immediately got down to business. He said, “I had you come in here because I have bad news.” My heart dropped into my stomach and I was literally in shock. I felt like my world had just stopped. It was all I could do to focus on the next words coming out of his mouth as he explained that I had Diminished Ovarian Reserve (a diagnosis that makes it very unlikely that we’ll ever be able to conceive a child, at least with my own eggs). It’s not impossible for us to get pregnant, but there is a very low chance naturally and not a very good chance even with IVF, unless donor eggs were used. Still unable to process everything and determined not to cry in the doctor’s office, I asked to be told about all our options. Different people came into the room explaining costs and treatments that could possibly get me pregnant (30% chance being the best case scenario), and the donor egg process (which we quickly knew we were not interested in, though I’m sure it is a miracle for some people if they choose that route- just not for us). Before any of them could finish their explanation, I asked them to please just email us the rest and let us go home. I was about to burst and didn’t want to come undone in front of them.

I couldn’t even look at Mike till we exited the building because I knew I’d lose it. He just looked shocked, then pissed off, and then was silent for most the day. Once we made it outside to the car, I felt dizzy and lightheaded and like my whole body was numb. A wave of shock and grief hit me all at once and I sobbed into Mike’s chest like a baby (I mean loud and heart-wrenching sobs that were just coming without my consent and were uncontrollable). He just held me while his own eyes brimmed with tears… always my support and my security. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful eternal companion.

Once I calmed down enough to get in the car, we drove the 40 min back home. The trip was mostly silent, with my occasional bouts of crying in between. It was all very final and sad, but not completely socking to me anymore. I had felt like this was a possibility for a long time and just kept pushing it down, trying to stay positive. I’d also been having strong feelings and experiences that pointed toward adoption, but I pushed them to the back of my mind for a later day thinking I’d have “my own children” first. Suddenly while on the that drive home, I stopped crying and had an overwhelming feeling that adoption was our path to take and that it had always been the plan. Some child was meant for us and would be our child some day through adoption. I said out loud to Mike, “I think we’re suppose to adopt.” We were silent the rest of the way home and most of that day. I turned my phone off so that I wouldn’t have to explain anything to anyone until I was more emotionally stable. I took a long shower and tried to sort the emotions and thoughts that were piling up in my head. We tried to distract ourselves with TV and work and reading etc. throughout that day. I had to force myself to eat, as I was never hungry. We did have some short talks about what to do next, but they became overwhelming quickly and we just settled on getting through the day and dealing with it tomorrow.

I was sad that I would probably never have children that looked like Mike or me. I was disappointed that I might never experience pregnancy or childbirth (though after working 2 years in Labor and Delivery, maybe I’m being spared from a lot of physical pain and exhaustion). I was also grateful though. I looked back on all that I had seen, done, learned, and experienced on our 4-year journey of infertility. I had become stronger, wiser, more compassionate and empathetic, closer to my husband and family, a better friend and on and on. I was hopeful as well. I had a new hope of becoming a mother to a child in need through adoption. I was overwhelmed at the process for adoption that lay ahead, but still sure that it was the right path.

I think God was preparing me for this. Being as stubborn and naïve as I was, it took 4+ years, but I was beginning to see God’s will for me. It wasn’t the answer that I had originally wanted, but it was an answer and it was clear. We had tried everything we could to become pregnant. We had prayed every night for 4+ years that the Lord would help us become parents, become pregnant, our bodies function properly, but above all else His will be done. We learned along the way, what that really meant to submit our will to His. I spent a lot of time on my knees sobbing and praying to my Father in Heaven, exhausted from frustration and longing to become pregnant. In those moments, I prayed for comfort and for peace and for someone that understood me and my trials, and I prayed to understand His will for me and to be OK with it. Countless times, my prayers were answered with feelings of comfort, friends that loved me and could relate to my struggles, visits from family, and chances to help others and get outside myself. I had gone to the temple the day before our appointment, and I had a long talk with God in the Celestial room. I prayed that things would go well the day of embryo transfer, and if they didn’t, and I didn’t become pregnant, that we’d be able to handle it and understand God’s will. That prayer and all of our prayers have certainly answered. His will is not what I originally wanted or thought I needed, but it feels right. I am starting to understand and I am ok with it. I will be a mother somehow some day. The “how” is just going to be different than I originally planned.

So there it is. One chapter done and new one begins. I’m ready to let go. I’m ready for my Savior to take the weight of all of this and help me to move on. I’m ready to accept His will and to go forward with faith. Make no mistake, I’m probably still going to have moments and days where I remember this loss and am sad. But I trust in God and His plan for me. I believe that our lives will turn out better than we could have planned or imagined (it always is with God as the architect). I’m so thankful for the many blessings that I have in my life – many of whom are the family and friends that are always there, as angels round about me in times of joy or pain. I know that I am never alone, and that none of us was meant to take our journey alone. We are here for each other and the Savior is always with us. Through this trial, I have come to know these things for myself and have grown closer to my Savior than ever before.

 

**Thank you all for your prayers on our behalf. I assure you that we drew strength from them and were carried through hard times by your faith and prayers and the arms of the Savior many many times. We love you all and pray for your lives to be blessed daily.

Summer Fun

So besides moving into a new house, here's what's been going on this Summer:

4th of July - BBQ with Cherringtons and then late night shift for me (I watched the fireworks from the car on my way to work- yippee!)

Parker reunion in Heber. What a big and wonderful family I married into!


My good friend Ashley got married! Such a beautiful bride!

I went home to Redding for a whole week with all of my siblings, and then we met up with Matt and Mike at Newport Beach for another week of fun in the sun!

 Hangin by the pool, making bracelets, eating nachos, playing cards, feeding the ducks with my nephews - what a life!

 I even went for a ride with my dad on the moped (he drove) - against my better judgement, but it was really fun! We visited the home of my childhood best friend - Sydney Vranna and got to talk to her brother Luke for a while. Man, I had some good times at that house!

 Had so much fun braiding all my sisters' hair - trying out different pinterest hairstyles.

Julia:

 Steph:

 Mimi:

 We went boating with eveyone for a whole day and it as so fun! I miss the beautiful lakes in Redding. There's just no prettier place to me. Love to snuggle with my nephews on the boat (Josh made sure whoever was sitting next to him was holding his hand when the boat was going so that he didn't fly out....so cute!)

 Jude fell asleep for most of the ride (not feeling well - poor baby). So fun to cuddle with him!

 In Newport, we hit the beach almost every day we were there. So much sun and boogie boarding and reading and relaxing and tanning and playing with family....heaven!

 We stayed where we always stay in so cal - Costa Mesa (used to live there when Mimi was born and I was little) at a Marriott Residence Inn. They have a great sports court and fire pit and pool and hot tub and free breakfast and sometimes dinner - great family place.

Went to a park one day so the boys could play and Steven climbed way up in this tree - some things never change...such a boy!

Looks like a Tarzan poster

 Grandma bought herself a teenage mutan ninja turtle shirt so  she could be cool with the grandkids (it's Josh and Jude's obsession right now). Cowabunga!

 Get that finger out of there, Jude!

 Mom - photobombing our picture on the Newport pier. Such a beautiful sunset!

 Aunties smothering baby Jude...again. He's so cute, I just wanna squish him!

Peace, love and sandy feet...happiness!

 Love this boy!

 Family picture after church in Newport. This is at the beginning of the trip, so we're all still pretty white.

 My mom (a.k.a. the rotisserie) is the expert sun-bather - never a weird tan line or uneven tan.

 Looks like we're posing for  an album cover - Love my weirdo siblings!

 Hand stands on the beach - classic!

 Surfs up! Hard core boogie boarding!

Built sand castles and this sand turtle - fun fun fun!

 Shopping on Balboa Island - family tradition (t-shirts and frozen bananas...that's why I go!)

Bike rides on the board walk at sunset - family favorite!

On the way back from the beach trip, I went with my dad to Arizona to visit Grandma Mae in her new place. She's getting so tiny and frail, but she's still so hilarious and strong - spirited! I love visiting with her!

 

One of my best high school friends, Holly, moved to Orem. Now we can hang out again - what a fun blast from the past!

We had fun using our Seven Peaks season passes this summer with a couple friends. Summer is the best, and it's always over too soon!

My mom came out mid -August for Education week at BYU. We went to classes from sun up to sun down for 5 days straight. Exhausting, but so fun and spiritually uplifting. Great week. We even go Steph to come down and go with us for a couple days and Mike came to a few classes after work. 

 After a week of taking notes in these classes, I looked down at my pen and read this:

 so true!

 I just love hanging out with this lady! She's so excited about the Gospel and just made the week really fun! I have the best mom ever!

 So many beautiful flowers on BYU campus:

 Steph and I are pondering during this class - really deep in thought:

Two big things - My parents celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary this year and my mom turned 50. We all celebrated at the beach and my mom got her Ed Week present, and then she decided to celebrate year 50 by doing a triathlon with a bunch of younger women from her stake- She's pretty incredible! "50! and it's legit!"

 
I put together a video of family and friends saying happy birthday and old pictures and stuff for my mom's birthday. Julia's contribution was definitely the funniest:

Unfortunately, I can't figure out how to post it - not working...ahhh! Maybe later.

My dad came out for a weekend to go to the BYU game with his friend Mike Louden. We also got in on standby to the James Taylor/Motab concert in the conference center. Steph came down for it too! It was amazing! My dad was in heaven! I knew he'd love it! I'm so glad we got to go together. If for no other reason, I love living in Utah so that everyone can come stay with me when they are visiting. It's awesome!