We all have our trials. We all have things we have to go through that we never thought possible when we were younger and planning our future. That's just what God does. He doesn't make it easy, cause then we wouldn't learn or grow into who we can become. As I'm growing up and becoming an adult (I know I'm 27, but sometimes I still can't believe I'm a real adult and old enough to rent a car or buy a house), I feel like the protective and comfortable bubble that was my childhood has been burst time and time again. People that I looked up to have disappointed me; things that I thought only happened in movies have happened in real life to real people that I love; I too often see children having children; jobs are sometimes really hard to come by even when you're capable and smart; prayers aren't always answered how and when I'd like them to be; people are sometimes tactless and harsh; not all marriages last forever; people I love get hurt and aren't always sure of the truth; and there's some things that I just can't do anything about! These are obvious realizations to learn as anyone can tell you, but it's like you don't fully understand some things until you experience them.
One such thing that I never thought I'd have to deal with is infertility. After trying for over 3 years to become pregnant, my husband and I have been to a lot of doctors, asked a lot of questions, prayed a lot, lashed out/broken down in frustration and/or anger on more than one occasion, and learned a lot of patience...still learning actually. Anyway, we're usually pretty level-headed about the issue and just keep the positive attitude that we will become parents how and when the Lord wants us to. However, on one of my not-so-positive days, I was mad at God and coveting everyone with a baby that I saw, and constantly repeating the question, "why me?" I had a pretty long pitty party and was just convinced that no one on this earth understood how I felt. No one could possibly relate to this feeling of having a hole kicked through the middle of my stomach. I've always known that my Savior who atoned for the world, knows and understands every feeling/sadness/illness/sin/loss, but I felt like I needed a tangible person in front of me that could offer tangible comfort. I was basically being a demanding brat and prayed that God would just send me someone to help me regain perspective and hope because I was just ready to give it up and forget about ever having children of my own. I'm not trying to be a downer, this is really all just background information. Here comes the good part, where I learn a big lesson.
The next day at work (labor and delivery), I happened to have a conversation with a co-worker that was quitting for reasons of infertility (it had just become too difficult to be around so many women having babies when she knew that she could never do that and desperately wanted to). Sounds unhelpful, but it was actually nice to relate to someone and see that it could be worse and I shouldn't lose hope yet. We've never been told that it will be impossible to conceive, just that it'll be harder than normal. The day after that, I received a heart felt message on facebook from an old close friend from high school. Though we haven't kept in touch super well, I know we'll always be friends and she just knew exactly what to say to make me feel better and not alone. She went through similar trials and is finally pregnant. It was comforting to hear someone I love voice their experience of making it through and know that I'm not alone shouldn't lose hope yet. I know she must have been prompted by the Holy Ghost to write to me on that exact day when I needed it the most, and I'm sure glad she followed that prompting. If you're reading this, you know who you are...Love you Superstar! Anway, after a couple more of these experiences, hearing some applicable church talks, reading some scriptures that also totally applied to my problems, and just having extra phone calls/playdates with friends and family and a very timely short visit from my mom, I decided that God really must love me. He really must hear me and feel my pain and desperately want me to know that He has been reaching out to comfort me through it all. He's been doing it through the angels (friends and family and even strangers) all around me every day. I just had my eyes closed to it all and couldn't see anything but myself for so long. After my humble, tearful, and sincere plead with my Father on a day when I'd thought I'd hit rock bottom, He pulled out the "big guns" and reminded me just how much He is involved in my life. He loves me and wants me to know it, and wants me to keep having faith and hope no matter what (a loving kick in the pants). Message received!
I'm realizing that this is just one of the many things I can't control in my life. I have to just give up that need to plan and fix things and just trust that the Lord knows what I need and when I need it. I just need to be prepared and love life come what may. Easier said than done! To me, the hardest part of enduring happily through this life is submission of my will to His...but that is what I'm learning to do because I'm sure that His plan for me yields a better result than any plan I could conceive.
Anyway, I just wanted to post this story so that anyone who reads it (including myself as I re-read in order to never forget) that God has a hand in our daily lives. His tender mercies are happening all around us every day...you just have to stop and look around once in a while or you could miss them!
