I haven't posted about infertility in a while because I don't want to bum people out or throw our burdens on others. But I thought maybe sharing my experience and feelings one more time, might just reach someone who needs it. It will also give you family/friends a peek into what we've been going through since I'm not always great at giving details in person and usually try to keep things light. Anyway, here's my journal entry from today:
October 31, 2013
Happy Halloween! Though, Halloween (usually one of my
favorite holidays) is not really something I’ve thought much about this year.
Today, I’m finally getting around to writing down the end of a chapter in my
life. I’ve definitely been writing along the way about the struggles and
blessings of our infertility journey, but it feels sad to be writing the last
entry on our chain of events, because now I’ll really have to let go…and this
is what I’ve been holding on to for years now. It’s liberating and exciting in
one way, but also scary and hard in another.
Anyway, to get to the point, Mike and I had been going
through the IVF process for a couple months after trying various other
treatments and medications and procedures to become pregnant for over 4 years.
I went through the necessary treatments, checkups, ultrasounds and medication
regimen to prepare my body for a procedure that would get us pregnant finally.
We got as far as eggs being retrieved and embryos being made. About a week ago,
we went into the fertility clinic for the big day – embryo transfer day, the
day of conception. We were both terribly nervous and excited and scared to get
our hopes up, but not able to help it. This was the closest we’d ever come to
becoming pregnant and it just had to be our day for a miracle. We’d been told
that, up until that day, my few eggs that were retrieved and fertilized were
doing well. So of course we were hopeful for a pregnancy.
When the doctor walked into the consultation room and we
were smiling and talking about finally becoming parents, he immediately got
down to business. He said, “I had you come in here because I have bad news.” My
heart dropped into my stomach and I was literally in shock. I felt like my
world had just stopped. It was all I could do to focus on the next words coming
out of his mouth as he explained that I had Diminished Ovarian Reserve (a
diagnosis that makes it very unlikely that we’ll ever be able to conceive a
child, at least with my own eggs). It’s not impossible for us to get pregnant,
but there is a very low chance naturally and not a very good chance even with
IVF, unless donor eggs were used. Still unable to process everything and
determined not to cry in the doctor’s office, I asked to be told about all our
options. Different people came into the room explaining costs and treatments
that could possibly get me pregnant (30% chance being the best case scenario),
and the donor egg process (which we quickly knew we were not interested in,
though I’m sure it is a miracle for some people if they choose that route- just
not for us). Before any of them could finish their explanation, I asked them to
please just email us the rest and let us go home. I was about to burst and
didn’t want to come undone in front of them.
I couldn’t even look at Mike till we exited the building
because I knew I’d lose it. He just looked shocked, then pissed off, and then
was silent for most the day. Once we made it outside to the car, I felt dizzy
and lightheaded and like my whole body was numb. A wave of shock and grief hit
me all at once and I sobbed into Mike’s chest like a baby (I mean loud and
heart-wrenching sobs that were just coming without my consent and were uncontrollable).
He just held me while his own eyes brimmed with tears… always my support and my
security. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful eternal companion.
Once I calmed down enough to get in the car, we drove the 40
min back home. The trip was mostly silent, with my occasional bouts of crying
in between. It was all very final and sad, but not completely socking to me
anymore. I had felt like this was a possibility for a long time and just kept
pushing it down, trying to stay positive. I’d also been having strong feelings
and experiences that pointed toward adoption, but I pushed them to the back of
my mind for a later day thinking I’d have “my own children” first. Suddenly
while on the that drive home, I stopped crying and had an overwhelming feeling
that adoption was our path to take and that it had always been the plan. Some
child was meant for us and would be our child some day through adoption. I said
out loud to Mike, “I think we’re suppose to adopt.” We were silent the rest of
the way home and most of that day. I turned my phone off so that I wouldn’t
have to explain anything to anyone until I was more emotionally stable. I took
a long shower and tried to sort the emotions and thoughts that were piling up
in my head. We tried to distract ourselves with TV and work and reading etc.
throughout that day. I had to force myself to eat, as I was never hungry. We
did have some short talks about what to do next, but they became overwhelming
quickly and we just settled on getting through the day and dealing with it
tomorrow.
I was sad that I would probably never have children that
looked like Mike or me. I was disappointed that I might never experience
pregnancy or childbirth (though after working 2 years in Labor and Delivery,
maybe I’m being spared from a lot of physical pain and exhaustion). I was also
grateful though. I looked back on all that I had seen, done, learned, and
experienced on our 4-year journey of infertility. I had become stronger, wiser,
more compassionate and empathetic, closer to my husband and family, a better
friend and on and on. I was hopeful as well. I had a new hope of becoming a
mother to a child in need through adoption. I was overwhelmed at the process
for adoption that lay ahead, but still sure that it was the right path.
I think God was preparing me for this. Being as stubborn and
naïve as I was, it took 4+ years, but I was beginning to see God’s will for me.
It wasn’t the answer that I had originally wanted, but it was an answer and it
was clear. We had tried everything we could to become pregnant. We had prayed
every night for 4+ years that the Lord would help us become parents, become
pregnant, our bodies function properly, but above all else His will be done. We
learned along the way, what that really meant to submit our will to His. I
spent a lot of time on my knees sobbing and praying to my Father in Heaven,
exhausted from frustration and longing to become pregnant. In those moments, I
prayed for comfort and for peace and for someone that understood me and my
trials, and I prayed to understand His will for me and to be OK with it.
Countless times, my prayers were answered with feelings of comfort, friends
that loved me and could relate to my struggles, visits from family, and chances
to help others and get outside myself. I had gone to the temple the day before
our appointment, and I had a long talk with God in the Celestial room. I prayed
that things would go well the day of embryo transfer, and if they didn’t, and I
didn’t become pregnant, that we’d be able to handle it and understand God’s
will. That prayer and all of our prayers have certainly answered. His will is
not what I originally wanted or thought I needed, but it feels right. I am
starting to understand and I am ok with it. I will be a mother somehow some
day. The “how” is just going to be different than I originally planned.
So there it is. One chapter done and new one begins. I’m ready
to let go. I’m ready for my Savior to take the weight of all of this and help
me to move on. I’m ready to accept His will and to go forward with faith. Make
no mistake, I’m probably still going to have moments and days where I remember
this loss and am sad. But I trust in God and His plan for me. I believe that
our lives will turn out better than we could have planned or imagined (it
always is with God as the architect). I’m so thankful for the many blessings
that I have in my life – many of whom are the family and friends that are
always there, as angels round about me in times of joy or pain. I know that I
am never alone, and that none of us was meant to take our journey alone. We are
here for each other and the Savior is always with us. Through this trial, I
have come to know these things for myself and have grown closer to my Savior
than ever before.
**Thank you all for your prayers on our behalf. I
assure you that we drew strength from them and were carried through hard times
by your faith and prayers and the arms of the Savior many many times. We love
you all and pray for your lives to be blessed daily.
